Heading back to ….

Heading back to ….

Where it all began!

Going to Maynooth tomorrow (today) for the Maynooth Union Day.  Each year classes gather to celebrate significant anniversaries, most notably Golden and Silver Jubilees.  Classes from five years on, all the way to sixty and maybe seventy years meet to remember, renew and be together.

I look forward to meeting some of my classmates there (thirty years now) and members of other classes I’d have known.

I’ll let you know how it goes!


Giving Holy Communion to my parents on June 14th, 1987

Newstalk

Newstalk

I had a call the other day from Newstalk 106-108 FM to see if I would say a few words around my experience in Maynooth.  The researcher told me they wanted to get some views from people who had been in the college. The interview was to be live on Saturday morning but I explained that I would not be at home at that stage so they asked if I’d pre-record a piece.  I agreed and hoped it would be okay.

I received a link to a PODCAST of the interview.  Listening back to it, I think it reflects how I felt and feel about Maynooth.  Were there a regret for me, it might lie in my not acknowledging therein the hurt experienced by some, as mentioned in recent days. In no way, would I want to take away from anyone’s hurt or experience but, in fairness to Sarah Carey, she wanted my own views around my experience of being in Maynooth, albeit thirty years ago now. Those memories are and thankfully, in the main, happy memories of decent people and a place that sought to do its best.  I’ve no doubt there were days I’d have been fed up, at a bit of a low but overall I have never regretted my decision to go to Maynooth.

Thought I might share the link here.  I hope the words were helpful

sarahcarey

Hashtags and healing

Hashtags and healing

The last few days the place I remember and call Maynooth has become a hashtag #maynooth or #maynoothscandal.  Someone just asked me how I feel about this.  The answer is sad, very sad – because the truth is my abiding memories of Maynooth centre around happy days when I looked forward to becoming a priest, of good friends, enthusiasm around church, dreams for the future and a belief that I was in the right place and doing the right thing with my life.

When I started in Maynooth there were seventy-five in my class, most of them my own age with a few, some years older, having worked in other places before making the decision to explore God’s Call.  I’d imagine there were 300-400 students in the college at the time, people from all over Ireland.  I believed we were there because it’s where we felt we were meant to be.  At that time, as far as I recall, there were seminaries in Thurles, Carlow, Waterford, Kilkenny, Wexford as well as All Hallows in Dublin and Clonliffe College which was the seminary specific to students for the Archdiocese of Dublin.  There was too, the Irish College in Rome. With the exception of Maynooth and the Irish College in Rome, all are now closed.  I’ve no doubt many of the buildings are still there, perhaps other roles were found for them but I’m certain that memories specific to each place remain for those who walked their corridors, sat in their lecture halls and sought to find and deepen the faith “within” in their chapels.

Through the years I have visited Maynooth. In the earlier years of being a priest I’d have visited the students as we had people from the diocese studying there.  As time passed, I found that happening less and less.  I have however attended meetings there to do with bits of work I do here in the diocese, so I haven’t lost contact with the place entirely.  I know there are people that left Maynooth who never re-visited but I think it more the case that most past pupils of the college, whether they were ordained or not, would allow it hold a special place in the heart and feel comfortable enough to wander around its corridors and grounds. The Classpiece pictures (lines of them) along the corridors, remind us of faces from the past, some known to us and many not, and give witness to the reality of vocation and response.  I often think about those pictures, my own included, and have come to the conviction that we remain the “man” in that photo.  By that I mean, whatever has happened in life, successes and failures, good days and bad, we are still the one who sat in front of a camera and allowed the shutter to close on the face of one preparing for ordination.  Whatever hopes and dreams we had at that moment, whatever goodness was in us at that moment, whatever belief in priesthood was in us at that moment, remains the truth of that moment. It is a truth we have to re-visit and, at times, reclaim.

What do I remember of the journey in Maynooth?  I remember struggles with prayer and with study, I remember confusion around feelings and somewhere too, of course, wondering about celibacy.  I knew that priesthood meant I would not have a wife but at eighteen years of age a wife wasn’t the first thing on my mind!!  Even at twenty-four, I’m sure I might not have given too much thought to that.  There were nonetheless those “stirrings” in us that seemed at odds with being “holy”, “men apart” and yes, they gave rise to questions and quite likely doubts.  I recall someone telling us once during a talk, a retreat maybe, that our feelings around sexuality were normal.  As men (women too I’m sure) it was natural to wonder about this side of life and to have to make choices.  He said “your hormones don’t even know you’re Catholics, never mind celibates”.  I’m sure we laughed but he was making a good point.  Hormones are hormones and feelings are feelings, irrespective of creed or calling.  It’s what we do with and about them that ultimately shapes us. Somewhere and somehow in vocation and priesthood, with the Grace and help of God, the support and understanding of people and inner will, we have to try to align the hormones with the calling, and bring them to a place where they know “we are catholic and striving to be celibate”.

I don’t recall a “gay culture” in Maynooth when I was there.  Neither do I recall “a heterosexual culture”.  I felt as people we were rounded, balanced and doing the best we could.  I think what I recall was a sincere effort to respond to the call to be a priest. People left along the way.  It was the rule of thumb that about half the first year class would leave before ordination and, give or take that was the story with our class too.  Why would people leave?  Some, I am sure because they came to the realisation that priesthood was not their calling.  This may or may not have had to do with celibacy.  Others quite likely came to the point where they knew they could not live life without sharing it specifically with another.  The idea of parenthood, handing on life through a loving relationship held more value for them and understandably so.  It’s certain some might have realised their orientation was homosexual and that seeking and responding to the love of another was something they could not live without.  There were, in fairness, many reasons to leave and many too, to stay.  It would also have been the case that people might have been asked to leave for various reasons.  That surely had to be the role of the Seminary formation team, that it journeyed with the students and observed the lifestyle and the choices being made and if these were considered incompatible with priesthood, then the recommendation would have been made that another life choice might be more in keeping.  I suspect similar would happen in any field of training, from the Teacher Training College to nursing, medicine, military, Gardaí and so forth.

The time in Seminary is a time of discernment.  What does that mean?  It’s something to do with looking at life, seeing where the road is leading and arriving at a decision that the road ahead looks as if it’s leading to the destination you seek.  Equally it might lead us to a moment where we need to stop, gather our thoughts, and admit this is not the road for me.  It’s a good road and an important road but if I continue on it I will arrive at a destination, yes, but not the one I need.  What I am searching for, where I am being led, is not to be found on this road.  It’s no harm I’ve travelled this road and chances are I will remember much from the journey but it’s time to look to another path.  That’s discernment.  It’s about reflection and choice.

So what about the Maynooth of these days?  As I said, I’ve lost contact a bit with students.  We don’t have any student for our diocese at this time.  My interaction then with present day Maynooth in terms of students and indeed staff is practically non-existent. I was involved a number of years ago in giving a retreat to the students and I wondered what that would be like.  I recall meeting a small number of them in advance of the retreat to have a chat about it and when I asked what I should do, one of the students said “Don’t apologise for being here”.  I am sure we laughed at that too but his point was also valid.  What he was saying to me was don’t come in thinking you are not worthy to be here or that you haven’t something to say.  Come to us as you are.  I very much appreciated that comment and have tried to apply it to other situations in life since then.  I went to Maynooth for that retreat expecting to find people at a low ebb (it was at the height of other scandals in our church), where morale would be low and people at a loss.  That was not my experience.  I met lovely people there.  Many of them spoke with me on a one to one basis during times of reconciliation or between talks.  I was amazed by their enthusiasm.  The hundreds had shrunk to numbers less than a hundred but I found again a sense of purpose among these men.  They seemed at ease with themselves and I came away thinking they never knew the Maynooth of hundreds or seminaries scattered across Ireland.  This is the only seminary life they’ve experienced and they are making their own of it. I’d like to think I gave something to the students over those few days but I know for certain they gave a lot to me, not least hope.

It is the choice of a bishop to send seminarians to any college he feels would be good to and for them.  The Irish College in Rome is an equal partner in the seminary formation of the Irish Church.  Indeed when we were in Maynooth, Bishop Flynn (R.I.P.) let it be known that should any of us like to go to Rome to study we were welcome to do so.  Furthermore he encouraged this and some of my fellow students chose or maybe were asked to attend the Irish College. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this decision.  I’m sure from a practical point of view, the bishops were trying to support both colleges through sending students there.  For that reason, I would not like to see Rome and Maynooth being pitched against each other now.  It’s my belief they both seek to assist those who feel God’s call to priesthood and it’s for the good of both that a student body is maintained in each. Furthermore, it is my belief that any diocese lucky enough to have a number of students could well benefit from sending some of those students to each or, as was the case in the past, encouraging that they spend time between both.

I am very sorry for anyone who has been hurt in Maynooth. I truly am and I feel much of what is happening these days is sincerely born of personal hurt and a belief that the seminary could and should be better.  It is my hope that this hurt will be healed. Whatever needs to be said or done should not be left unsaid or undone.  I believe there are very sincere people, staff and students, clerical and lay, men and women still walking the corridors of St Patrick’s College.

Though there is sincerity in the recent comments about Maynooth, I don’t like some of the approaches taken as the story unfolds.  It seems certain that some linked with this story have made questionable decisions around social media. At least the allegations made suggest as much.  What lies behind those alleged decisions and possible needs of those involved is the journey of discernment.  It has to be personal though and to seek to embarrass people through innuendo and invasion seems at odds with a Christian approach to seeking a lasting peace for all involved. My hope is that Maynooth will be to and for all involved a certain companion who will walk the road, listen and offer guidance. Equally may it listen to the voice of students and those believing there is room for change.

At day’s end, I believe Maynooth will continue to shape and be shaped by those who call it “home” during their time there. I would be deeply saddened were it to remain a hashtag when it has offered, offers and has the potential to offer much, much more.

On this day …

On this day …

Thirty-three years ago today I went to Maynooth (September 13th, 1981).  It seems so long ago now and so much has changed.  I remember leaving home with my parents. Before leaving I called over to see Fr John Finn who had been ordained a few months earlier.  He was from Gurteen and going to minister in New Orleans.  He remains a friend, albeit at geographical remove now. My uncle Joe called to see me.  He gave me a dressing gown (not a dressing down!!) that I still have.  I don’t wear it – never really got into that habit – but I know where it came from.  I was excited to be going but nervous too.  It was my first time away from home in that sense of knowing that I’d be in another corner and hopefully for a while.  I had the accompanying support that day of my parents who drove me and of my brothers who came along as well.  That support has been consistent.

I met lovely people in Maynooth – seventy four others, like myself, who were starting out on this road and, like me, uncertain of its destination.  Some left along the way and others joined us.  Some have remained good friends and others, for some reason, faded a little into the unknown of distance and location and seldom cross my path any more.  All of them, in one way or another, shaped my journey and have a place in my heart and prayers.

I spoke once of these and others like them becoming sort of “landmarks” for me. When a place in Ireland is mentioned – maybe Kinnity – I remember Michael who wasn’t ordained but spent a few years with us. Mostrim brings Joe centre stage. Ballycastle in Antrim brings Rory to mind, the Falls Road, Michael, Drimnagh brings Donal into the thoughts of the day, Athlone – Ray and so it goes. Ireland is dotted with places meaning people for, as I’ve often said, people make places. Some girls too became part of that landscape – Sinead from Carrick, Anne from Puckane, Carmel from Cooraclare and more. The network broadened, friendships were made and thankfully continue.

Through the gates in March 1986 (Easter Monday) arrived parents and family, some friends and neighbours for my ordination as a Deacon and over a year later the gates were in the rear-view mirror as I headed West to prepare for Ordination in Gurteen.

September 1981-June 1987 remain among the happiest years of my life.  I enjoyed Maynooth very much and thank God that I had the chance to be there.  The chance, especially, to be there when there were so many journeying the road to priesthood.  How much change there has been with so few in Maynooth now – scarcely the makings of my September 1981 class now make up the full student body of seminarians.  This is such a change – when you think that at that time there were seminaries in Carlow, Kilkenny, Thurles, Waterford, Wexford, Clonliffe College in Dublin, All Hallows – not to mention all the religious orders and now all gone with the exception of Maynooth (and of course the Irish College, Rome).  Such change!

Earlier today I had the joy of celebrating the wedding mass of a young couple in Kilmovee. Later I baptized a little girl in Brusna and shared the evening at a wedding reception in Co. Roscommon.  So much joy has come into my life due to that date, September 13th 1981 and today I think I just want to say thanks for that.  Thanks to all who have walked into my life since that day: people I’ve met in parishes and through ministry.  Overall it has been a good life, not without its puzzling moments but I’d like to think were I back there again, outside the house in Moygara in 1981, I’d be happy to sit in with Mary and Bill and head towards the Plains of Kildare 🙂

And on that train …..

And on that train …..

Two young people were sitting at the same table as me. They were having a conversation and, though I didn’t set out to eavesdrop, I couldn’t really help but hear them. They were two students in Maynooth college and they were discussing college life. I had a clearer view of the lad as he was sitting across the table from me. I’d describe him as “student” – a sort of laid-back look, cool, longish hair, unshaved, casually dressed (but aware of looking the part nonetheless) and well able to talk. She seemed very nice, pleasant and happy to be chatting with him. They seemed to know each other but, I thought, not too well. Maybe he wanted to get to know her better, I can’t be sure. I’d not blame him if he did! They talked about their courses, the train-fare and how they were choosing to stay at home as it saved them a bit of money but they found the daily commute tiring. They seemed to enjoy their life in Maynooth and, as they talked, my mind wandered back to my own days there and I could identify with their enjoyment.

They talked about socialising and the things they liked to do. It was obvious they mixed study and pleasure with an ease you’d admire. “Where do you go for a drink?” she asked. “I’m a Pioneer”, he replied. I wondered. I felt he’d add, “Ah no, I’m only joking” but he didn’t. He said he saved a lot by not drinking. I knew he was serious. She took it in her stride and said what she liked to drink but there was a real respect there.

I’d not have added “pioneer” to his list of attributes but I was so happy to hear him say it. It seemed so natural and so right. It didn’t interfere with his ability to enjoy her company, to share their experience and to shorten the journey. I thought how lovely it would be to hear more young people say this – without blush or embarrassment. I wondered if he knew that he was giving witness to something very powerful– the ability to stand back from the “done thing” and to realise drink didn’t have to be part of his life.

I chatted to the two of them for a while. I never mentioned drink or abstinence but met them on a journey of memory along corridors of a place that was home to me for six years and has been part of my story for nearly two-thirds of my life! I was glad to meet them and it makes me wonder ….

What about another look at “The Pioneers” – especially for our younger travelling companions?

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