(A brother reflects on a decision …… A thought around The Prodigal Son)
It’s a fair question! I don’t know. And maybe I do for there was jealousy at work.
Yes he had gone away and left us all in the lurch. Yes he had eaten into my father’s property but there was more to it than that.
I resented him, not just because he had gone away but more-so because he came back. At least when he was gone, I had my father’s ear and could impress him with all the work I did around the place.
Strange that, for though I had his ear, I knew his mind wandered to where the brother was and how he was doing. I knew his heart was broken and that part of him died that day he watched him fade into the distance
That said, he never ignored me or made me feel he didn’t love me deeply but I couldn’t get my head around the fact that he still missed “the waster” as I called him. There was no denying it though, my father was heart-broken.
There were times when I missed him too of course. I wondered what he was doing and who he was with. That’s when I let my mind wander and I wrote stories in my head that most likely weren’t real at all. I imagined him with women, getting drunk “letting the family down” and it never crossed my mind that he was sitting alone and hungry, surrounded by pigs who ate what he’d have eaten “though nobody offered him anything”.
It’s strange the way we write novels in our heads about other people and never, even for a second, try to get into their hearts or allow their hurt touch ours.
There was part of me that doubted always that he’d come back. For my father’s sake, I hoped he would, because it was heart-breaking to see him stand and look to the distance and though he never said what he was looking for, I knew exactly not the “what” but the “who” for whom he longed. My brother.
And despite that, I couldn’t share my father’s joy when someone told me “your brother is back”. The stuff about the “fatted calf” and the celebrations weren’t a concern to me but I just couldn’t bring myself to rise above my small-mindedness and see the bigger picture. We were “family again”.
When my father asked me to join the celebrations, I couldn’t do it. I’ve regretted that so often because I knew it’s what my father wanted more than anything. “All I have is yours” he told me and he meant it. He never denied me anything.
I’m haunted, haunted by that moment. I should have gone in …..
Like all who have heard the story from Co. Cavan concerning the death of a family in tragic circumstances, I am deeply saddned.
There is, at times like this, a call for privacy that is as necessary as it’s understandable. People, the families involved, need so much space and time now that cameras and recorders should maintain a respectful distance.
Some years ago, following the death by suicide of a man well known in a community, a mother told me that she told her son and daughter he had died, knowing that they would hear the news at school. She told me her son asked “How did he do it?” Her daughter asked “Why did he do it?” I thought the questions were telling. The “how” speaks to detail whereas the “why” brings us to a place of reflection and seeking to understand.
In this case, it is possible that neither question is appropriate to most of us. The answer is truly of no lasting benefit to us. The role we play now is not that of interviewer or observer but one of fellow traveller, needing to stop and reflect on life and to offer whatever support we can be to those who need and deserve answers more than we do.
It is with prayer, empathy and sympathy we envelop those involved.
A prayer then rather than a question – Peace for those who have died and peace for those left with crosses and questions. Amen!
Yesterday, I met Marian (a niece of one of our oldest parishioners in Kilmovee) and it was good to meet her. We went for lunch (Fisherman’s Catch, Point Lookout) and met with her daughter and son-in-law, whose marriage I celebrated in Rockville Centre. When I was here last year they had their first baby but time didn’t allow for us to meet. We rectified that yesterday. We had a lovely lunch and a good chat but the highlight for me was their little daughter. She was among the best humoured people I’ve ever met. Without saying a word (well at least a word I understood) she held the attention of all. I have to say it was a joy to meet her. I look forward to sharing these photos with her great grand-aunt. (I don’t think she’s an “on-line” woman!!)
Well into the “holidays” now and enjoying the days very much. That said, I’ve been very connected with home too, as I remember Ger Regan, R.I.P., whose Funeral takes place today. I had Mass here around the same time and remembered Ger, his family and friends there.
Over the past few days I’ve had the chance to do what I really like doing when I come here, connecting with old friends (and meeting some new ones too!). Last Sunday evening I went to New York to meet Joe, Liz and Keenan who have been friends of mine for many years. With them were some people from Kiltimagh, two of whom I’d met before. We had a lovely time and it was good to catch up. The other visitors were going to see “WICKED” on Monday evening and asked if I’d like to join them as they had an extra ticket. Needless to say I said yes, though I knew nothing about the show.
It’s one I need to think about but there’s a very positive message running through the show. Leave it with me!! This seems to be the central song in the show – “Defying Gravity”. I think it’s a message about not being kept down but finding and reaching your potential.
The Cathedral here has gone through quite a face lift since my last visit. It is covered in scaffolding just now but the work on the interior has been completed. Very impressive.
On Wednesday evening I went back into NY and met an old friend from Maynooth days. We had a lovely meal, walked around for a while. He took me to a Roof Top bar where there’s an excellent (and free!!) view of NY and NJ. I just took one photo there.
I stayed in NY that night and the next day wandered around for a while. It was gloriously hot (though people were complaining about the heat – I was happy enough to be in it – great weather for the bog!!) I enjoy walking and noticing bits and pieces as I go. I spotted one of “New York’s Finest” doing his duty and couldn’t help but notice his Patrol Car. I can’t see Bruce Willis saving New York in one of these … only saying!!
Later in the day I met a good friend, Seán, whom I’ve missed out on meeting in recent years. We went for a bite of lunch and chatted away as if we’d met the day before. That’s always a good sign of friendship for me. From there I went to Crestwood and met the McEnerney family. I’ve met them every time I’ve visited here and had the privilege of baptizing their children. The older of the two is about to go to College this year and is so excited about that. Hard to believe how quickly the years pass. His younger sister will be making the same trip next year. My memories of her go a bit further back to a young girl playing the piano for me and suggesting I stop “filming” when a few stray notes wander into her performance!!
At Mass this morning, here in the Cathedral at Rockville Centre, I noticed two people at Mass that I get the chance to meet each year. – Mary and Caroline Hunt – they are among the most faithful visitors to these pages and I was happy to see them. Mary’s husband, Martin (RI.P.) was from Ballaghaderreen parish and that’t the link.
What I like to think is running through these days is “connection” with people. At day’s end, I see that as one of the greatest gifts we have and I am blessed to be able to avail of it.
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